A lasting and happy relationship requires mutual efforts of both partners. If your union has broken, there is no use blaming just one person. Since people in a relationship are a team, it is vitally necessary to learn the art of quarreling. Despite the fact that you love each other, there is no family that doesn’t argue. As a matter of fact, productive arguing is even useful since it helps to find out what a partner needs and what they are dissatisfied with.
When something flows not as we want, we are not understood, promises are broken and our rights intruded upon, aggression appears by itself. It is healthy and normal aggression which has to be directed somewhere. Ideally, aggression should be constructively directed to improve a situation we don’t like. Once a conflict is resolved, there is no aggression anymore.
When emotions are on their peak and a heart is beating in a wild rhythm, our tongue gets loosened, and there is a great temptation to insult a partner. However, this is a bad practice since exactly at such moments, we may lose our sweetheart’s trust for good. Thus, how to avoid sharp angles of arguing and become reconciled quickly? Let’s see why quarreling is considered an art.
Every person has especially painful moments they don’t want to recollect. Here belong, for example, being overweight, failures at work, or relationships with parents. Such things hurt and are hidden in the depths of our subconsciousness as a huge wound. Once you press these buttons, a person will be immensely hurt; and it doesn’t matter if you do this on purpose or by mistake.
To avoid such situations, you have to discuss all unpleasant taboo moments beforehand. Never bring them up during your quarrels if you don’t want to ruin your marriage. In real life, however, it happens quite the opposite way. The point is that close people open up to each other rather quickly and perfectly know each other’s weak points. Thus, during a quarrel, we are trying to hit exactly these tender points to get an advantage over our partner and win the battle. Though, you should realize that such a victory will hardly solve a conflict.
Main rules of a successful quarrel
There are definite recommendations you should always bear in mind while quarreling. They will help you not to cross a red line, where you can find no way back from, and quickly stop arguing.
Don’t lose control
A quarrel reminds of a racing car rushing along the highway. The more speed it takes, the harder it is to drive. If you take your hands off a steering wheel, you will crash for sure. Pay attention to all road signs and indicators; only in this case, you can reach your destination.
Understand what you are arguing for
There is no argument without a goal. Try to analyze why you need it: do you want to express your position, punish your partner, or insult them? If it is impossible to change a situation, there is no point in arguing. Find other, calmer words to express your anger.
If you see that talk is moving in the wrong direction, breathe in and out several times. It will let you calm down and look at yourself as if you were a witness to the quarrel. You may also count to 10 before you answer. You should definitely try this technique and you would be surprised by the result. A quarrel will finish quickly as a fire without more wood.
Control your voice
One of the peculiarities of the human organism is that being shouted at, we start shouting, too. Even if we don’t want to act like this, insult and irritation win in the battle with our ratio. Thus, the very moment you start shouting at your partner, they automatically stop hearing you and start shouting as well. In a moment like this, the effectiveness of a dialogue vanishes completely.
Find something common
Regardless of things partners are talking about, they both have some common wishes. For example, they like being listened to, appreciated, and loved. This will help you to understand your sweetheart better and be in their shoes. The main goal of any quarrel is a desire to change something for better, and if such attempts fail, one of the partners seems to fail to understand another one.
Don’t work frustration off on somebody
If you’ve had an unpleasant situation at work or somebody’s made you very angry, don’t work frustration off on your partner. Find another way to relax. Do some exercise, go shopping or meet with friends. Just don’t come home with a desire to cavil about something and knock your partner off-balance.
Sometimes, we may find it very painful and insulting to hear sharp words from our partner. Even if you are reconciled tomorrow and pretend that nothing has happened, the feeling of disappointment will be eating away at your soul ruining your marriage drop by drop. Later on, after some months or years, facing a divorce, you will have all insulting words coming back. Thus, if you really love each other and want to preserve your union, learn to step aside and take a pause. Control your words and always think what words you are uttering.
Never criticize each other’s sexual sides
Every person has a conscious or subconscious image of sexual self-identification. It is the way we imagine ourselves as lovers when our sexual resource is maximally turned on. Once a partner ruins our sexual self-image, we stop feeling sexual attraction towards them.
Tips for women
- Never create a cowardly and miserable image of your man. Otherwise, you’d better leave him at once because he will soon become useless to you as a man. The point is that a man is especially vulnerable to a woman he loves. Why cut your own throat?
- Never demonstrate your disgust and contempt, just anger and resentment. Never humiliate him. Learn to quarrel in such a way that you let your aggression off, point out your dissatisfaction and make love stronger at the same time. It a difficult skill to master, but there is nothing impossible.
Tips for men
- Never tell your woman she is rude, bulky and repulsive outside. Never! Forget the word “cellulitis” and all words implying sponginess.
- Remember that you are sexually attractive to her until she feels supreme in your eyes. Just like a wonderful ripe fruit or flower. Once you’ve broken this image of hers, her sexual desire starts subsiding. Thus, she will be imagining another man, either real or surreal, or nobody. Many women can be frustrated for years and think nothing about sex.
Sexual energy is working as a brush, cleansing everything and making a person light and open to spontaneity. So, a woman has to sustain and create a brave, strong, and sexually magnetic image of her man whereas a man has to sustain an attractive, gracious, and tasty to him image of her woman. Therefore, an art of quarreling lies in our capability to scold and shame a partner without hitting weak points, at the same time raising their sexual self-image. Following this rule, we show that we are angry but still appreciate our significant other and are ready to fight for them.