Let’s imagine the following situation: a husband comes home where his shining with happiness wife meets him in an absolutely clean house. She has cooked a luxurious supper, and she enthusiastically listens to his stories about work, traffic jams, and an upcoming conference. Before he falls asleep, she does him a relaxing massage and satisfies his whim at night. She is an ideal wife every single day. Are we talking about a dream or a horror utopia?
What is the root of this phenomenon?
As psychotherapists believe, a need to be convenient stems from our childhood. Typically, these are “nice” girls whose wishes have been disregarded. They weren’t asked what they wanted but told what they had to do. They clearly distinguish between the good and the bad.
In a healthy family, a child is growing up in an atmosphere of unconditional love: parents love and accept their kid as he/she is. If parents praise their children only when they do something “correctly,” they understand that love is a reward for good behavior. Such kids learn to be convenient, and they don’t understand that there are no such conditions in a healthy sincere relationship. As a rule, an “ideal” woman doesn’t know herself. The point is that as a child, she had no possibility to discover herself.
A person can’t be only good or bad. Sometimes we may be disgusting, and sometimes we are just perfect. We have to accept ourselves in both cases. Provided parents wanted us to be only “good,” we won’t learn to accept another version of ourselves. At the same time, our dark side doesn’t disappear, it continues co-existing with us, hidden from others.
How is it revealed?
With a man, this woman will also try to be ideal because she needs to feel defended: she is loved as long as she is a good girl. This model is a basis for Vedic psychology, where a woman is taught to be an obedient wife. Yet, this relationship can’t be stable and reliable; it is unequal by default since it isn’t based on partnership.
In an “ideal” couple, there is no love because it hides dependence. For example, a girl from a poor family meets a wealthy man. She will do everything he wants her to do since she needs to deserve his love, i.e. material well-being in this case.
Apart from that, the role of an ideal wife is manipulation. A woman behaves not as she wants to, but as she “needs.” She needs something from her husband, and she tries to get that never putting off the mask of an ideal wife. A man finds it difficult to discern such a subtle manipulation, but he may feel that he is doing not what he wants but what he has to do. He may feel constant pressure, but he won’t refer it to his wife’s behavior.
A wife will be sure that she’s found an ideal pattern of keeping a marriage alive whereas a man will feel constant discomfort. Sooner or later, he won’t have a desire to come back home.
Is it dangerous?
Why is such a relationship tantalizing? As experts explain, the point is that in this case, everything is based on patterns, with the roles clearly defined. In real life, a relationship is unpredictable, we cannot say for sure what future is awaiting us. “A school pattern” doesn’t function in reality: behave yourself, do your home task, and you will get an excellent mark.
Sexual life of an ideal woman is a mechanical performance of “marital duty,” it often lacks genuine passion; even if a man sees it, he feels it’s artificial – a desire to be passionate instead of being passionate. If this is the case, he is likely to start looking for a lover. The matter is not that he lacks sex with his wife, he lacks emotions and unpredictability. For such a wife, the basis of a relationship becomes a fear to lose her husband, and she has to get rid of this fear.
What should I do?
First and foremost, women have to realize that men don’t need an ideal relationship and a convenient wife but a healthy relationship with an equal partner. To quit the role of an ideal wife, a woman has to work on herself. What to start with?
- Discover your true self and what you really want. It’s a lasting process of discovering one’s true essence. Learn to listen to your desires and needs, let yourself be natural and do what you want.
- Become a self-sufficient personality: provide for yourself and satisfy your basic needs independently.
- Learn simply to get satisfaction from a relationship with a person you like.
- Engage in a sincere conversation with your man. Discuss everything with him: what you like and dislike in a relationship, what you want, and the things you aren’t going to put up with. Be ready to find compromises once your opinions differ.
Would there be a happy end?
After you’ve effectively worked on yourself, a relationship with a man who’s got used to an ideal wife may change drastically. Finally, you will see what person you are in a relationship with. If your man really cares for you, he will accept your new self and treat you correspondingly. Otherwise, he will let you go for good.
However, there is no need to worry. It’s a great chance to find a man who will love you as you are: good and bad, kind and angry. Keep in mind that this type of love, not ideal but real, does have the future. Yet, remember that every genuine relationship requires the mutual effort of both partners.
Once two caring mature people decide to create a meaningful union, they should be ready to listen to each other and consider each other’s needs and desires. Communicate more, be sincere and open, and always express your thoughts and emotions! This is a key to a harmonious, healthy, and genuine bond of two loving hearts.