Surely, a couple that never argues and instantly resolves the slightest conflict is hard to find. Likewise, not all people like handling conflicts through drama and scandals. However, sooner or later, all people have to face quarrels and misunderstandings. This process is natural, and it helps people to grow together and find compromises every day.
No matter how long you’ve been together, it is important to learn to figure out all problematic moments in time and solve them efficiently. Otherwise, the snowball effect may follow, which makes small details turn into enormous problems late to deal with. So, how should we act? Let’s pay attention to psychologists’ advice on the matter.
Why do conflicts arise?
You keep everything to yourself
If you don’t dare express your own needs and dissatisfaction, accumulated emotions may simply burst out at some point and cause a tremendous quarrel. Some people are afraid to express their opinion as they don’t want to seem egoistic or clingy. Also, we tend to imagine the worst consequences of such an honest talk; at this point, we disregard the very idea that a result may be positive and come as a relief to both partners.
Even if a talk becomes a quarrel, there is nothing bad about it. A conflict is a vital part of a relationship because this way we learn our partner’s inner world and needs. Once we learn to listen attentively to what our partner is trying to tell us and hear them, conflicts do not ruin but strengthen and deepen a relationship. Without conflicts, it is very hard to reach deep understanding and care, which are essential to a healthy union.
However, you should correctly express the things bothering you. Just accusing the partner won’t help at any cost. Be more precise about your remarks. For example, instead of saying “You think only about yourself,” which is too general, you’d better discuss a definite situation like “I felt sad to find out that you didn’t invite me for the party. I would like to be a part of your company.”
Of course, to formulate your desires more clearly, you need some time to calm down and analyze your feelings. When your head isn’t that hot, formulate your thoughts in an easily understood manner, like “I guess you didn’t mean to insult me, but I need your help to make it clear.” Also, remember to use “I”-phrases as in the aforementioned example. Never forget that every person has their dignity that is to be respected even during a quarrel.
You build up emotional barriers
It goes without saying that it may be very scary to show the darkest parts of your personality. However, exactly sincerity helps us to reach deep mutual understanding with our partner. Sincerity is a key to genuine soul intimacy. It takes much time and effort to build such a strong connection, but the result is worthy of it. Yes, we do risk while showing our weak points to others, but also we get a chance to build more trustful and reliable relationships.
To make this process easier, engage in a mutual physical activity together with your partner. It may be climbing a mountain peak, a long-lasting walk around the city, or a visit to an amusement park. Many pieces of research have proved that mutual physical activities help couples get tuned the same way. Besides, common actions facilitate physical intimacy that stimulates oxytocin release, which, in turn, facilitates the feeling of mutual trust.
Your primary goal is to satisfy your partner
Most people wrongly believe that they are responsible for their partner’s feelings. However, we shouldn’t confuse care and sensitivity with a hidden desire to control emotions of our second half. If you desperately try to satisfy your partner, this will inevitably lead to tension and distance in a relationship. Trying to influence our partner in a definite way, we prevent them from making their own conclusions and learning from their mistakes. In other words, we prevent them from emotional development.
To make matters worse, such clinging to your partner and exclusively their needs may lead to a symbiotic form of co-existence, which has nothing to do with genuine love. In a symbiotic relationship, one partner becomes too dependent on another, so that the former completely loses their independence and the latter desperately wants to free themselves from such a tiring bond. Far from bright mutual future, agree?
You are a perfectionist looking for an ideal
This is a tremendous problem, as a matter of fact. An ideal is impossible to find in any sphere of our life, especially in the realm of human relationships. Trying to become ideal and make your partner perfect as well definitely leads to stress and disappointment. When reality diverges from expectations, quarrels or prolonged silence begin.
Moreover, when our fantasies turn out to be surreal, we start looking for our own or partner’s flaws. To communicate more effectively and reach exceptional intimacy, try to admit and accept that neither you nor your partner is ideal.
You are always looking for the guilty
If your aim is to build a healthy and happy relationship, remember that you shouldn’t divide things into good or bad, people into nice and bad, right and wrong. Once you start enumerating at which points your beloved person is wrong, you automatically make them defend themselves, which means that your partner won’t hear the things you want to get through to them.
During a quarrel, don’t aim at proving you are right. Open and sincere talk is what you need the most. The more you accuse a partner, the less successful you are at getting through to them. In this case, it doesn’t matter if you are really right, correct?
All people can make mistakes, and very often, circumstances ruin our plans and intentions. However, it doesn’t mean that we have to make our partner the cause of all the problems possible or become this reason ourselves.
Finally, bear in mind that both you and your partner do everything possible to build your relationship. The latter is hardly possible without failures and achievements, but it is essential to learn to accept positive and negative aspects as well. This is the only way to build a strong meaningful relationship.